PSYCH/GRalInt-TED Talks-Meg Jay: Why 30 is not the new 20

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Transcript:


When I was in my 20s,I saw my very first psychotherapy client.I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley.She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.Now Alex walked into her first sessionwearing jeans and a big slouchy top,and she dropped onto the couch in my officeand kicked off her flatsand told me she was there to talk about guy problems.Now when I heard this, I was so relieved.My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.(Laughter)And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.This I thought I could handle.

But I didn't handle it.With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session,it was easy for me just to nod my headwhile we kicked the can down the road."Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say,and as far as I could tell, she was right.Work happened later, marriage happened later,kids happened later, even death happened later.Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.

But before long, my supervisor pushed meto push Alex about her love life.I pushed back.

I said, "Sure, she's dating down,she's sleeping with a knucklehead,but it's not like she's going to marry the guy."

And then my supervisor said,"Not yet, but she might marry the next one.Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriageis before she has one."

That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment.That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20.Yes, people settle down later than they used to,but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot,and we were sitting there blowing it.That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglectwas a real problem, and it had real consequences,not just for Alex and her love lifebut for the careers and the families and the futuresof twentysomethings everywhere.

There are 50 million twentysomethingsin the United States right now.We're talking about 15 percent of the population,or 100 percent if you considerthat no one's getting through adulthoodwithout going through their 20s first.

Raise your hand if you're in your 20s.I really want to see some twentysomethings here.Oh, yay! Y'all's awesome.If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething,you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see —Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.

So I specialize in twentysomethings because I believethat every single one of those 50 million twentysomethingsdeserves to know what psychologists,sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialistsalready know:that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest,yet most transformative, things you can dofor work, for love, for your happiness,maybe even for the world.

This is not my opinion. These are the facts.We know that 80 percent of life's most defining momentstake place by age 35.That means that eight out of 10 of the decisionsand experiences and "Aha!" momentsthat make your life what it iswill have happened by your mid-30s.People who are over 40, don't panic.This crowd is going to be fine, I think.We know that the first 10 years of a careerhas an exponential impacton how much money you're going to earn.We know that more than half of Americansare married or are living with or datingtheir future partner by 30.We know that the brain caps off its secondand last growth spurt in your 20sas it rewires itself for adulthood,which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself,now is the time to change it.We know that personality changes more during your 20sthan at any other time in life,and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28,and things get tricky after age 35.So your 20s are the time to educate yourselfabout your body and your options.

So when we think about child development,we all know that the first five years are a critical periodfor language and attachment in the brain.It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day lifehas an inordinate impact on who you will become.But what we hear less about is that there's such a thingas adult development, and our 20sare that critical period of adult development.

But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing.Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence.Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethingslike "twixters" and "kidults."It's true.As a culture, we have trivialized what is actuallythe defining decade of adulthood.

Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things,you need a plan and not quite enough time.Isn't that true?So what do you think happenswhen you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say,"You have 10 extra years to start your life"?Nothing happens.You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition,and absolutely nothing happens.

And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethingslike you or like your sons and daughterscome into my office and say things like this:"I know my boyfriend's no good for me,but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time."Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get startedon a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."

But then it starts to sound like this:"My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself.I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college."

And then it starts to sound like this:"Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.Everybody was running around and having fun,but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned offand everybody started sitting down.I didn't want to be the only one left standing up,so sometimes I think I married my husbandbecause he was the closest chair to me at 30."

Where are the twentysomethings here?Do not do that.

Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake,the stakes are very high.When a lot has been pushed to your 30s,there is enormous thirtysomething pressureto jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up,and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.Many of these things are incompatible,and as research is just starting to show,simply harder and more stressful to doall at once in our 30s.

The post-millennial midlife crisisisn't buying a red sports car.It's realizing you can't have that career you now want.It's realizing you can't have that child you now want,or you can't give your child a sibling.Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethingslook at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room,and say about their 20s,"What was I doing? What was I thinking?"

I want to change what twentysomethingsare doing and thinking.

Here's a story about how that can go.It's a story about a woman named Emma.At 25, Emma came to my officebecause she was, in her words, having an identity crisis.She said she thought she might like to work in artor entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet,so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead.Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriendwho displayed his temper more than his ambition.And as hard as her 20s were,her early life had been even harder.She often cried in our sessions,but then would collect herself by saying,"You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."

Well one day, Emma comes inand she hangs her head in her lap,and she sobbed for most of the hour.She'd just bought a new address book,and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts,but then she'd been left staring at that empty blankthat comes after the words"In case of emergency, please call ... ."She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said,"Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck?Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"

Now in that moment, it took everything I hadnot to say, "I will."But what Emma needed wasn't some therapistwho really, really cared.Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance.I had learned too much since I first worked with Alexto just sit there while Emma's defining decadewent parading by.

So over the next weeks and months,I told Emmathree things that every twentysomething, male or female,deserves to hear.

First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisisand get some identity capital.By get identity capital, I mean do somethingthat adds value to who you are.Do something that's an investmentin who you might want to be next.I didn't know the future of Emma's career,and no one knows the future of work, but I do know this:Identity capital begets identity capital.So now is the time for that cross-country job,that internship, that startup you want to try.I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here,but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count,which, by the way, is not exploration.That's procrastination.I told Emma to explore work and make it count.

Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated.Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport,but twentysomethings who huddle togetherwith like-minded peers limit who they know,what they know, how they think, how they speak,and where they work.That new piece of capital, that new person to datealmost always comes from outside the inner circle.New things come from what are called our weak ties,our friends of friends of friends.So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed.But half aren't, and weak tiesare how you get yourself into that group.Half of new jobs are never posted,so reaching out to your neighbor's bossis how you get that un-posted job.It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.

Last but not least, Emma believed thatyou can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.Now this was true for her growing up,but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her familywhen she partnered with someoneand created a family of her own.I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.Now you may be thinking that 30is actually a better time to settle downthan 20, or even 25,and I agree with you.But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping withwhen everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisleis not progress.The best time to work on your marriageis before you have one,and that means being as intentional with loveas you are with work.Picking your family is about consciously choosingwho and what you wantrather than just making it work or killing timewith whoever happens to be choosing you.

So what happened to Emma?Well, we went through that address book,and she found an old roommate's cousinwho worked at an art museum in another state.That weak tie helped her get a job there.That job offer gave her the reasonto leave that live-in boyfriend.Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums.She's married to a man she mindfully chose.She loves her new career, she loves her new family,and she sent me a card that said,"Now the emergency contact blanksdon't seem big enough."

Now Emma's story made that sound easy,but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings.They are so easy to help.Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX,bound for somewhere west.Right after takeoff, a slight change in courseis the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29,one good conversation, one good break,one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effectacross years and even generations to come.

So here's an idea worth spreadingto every twentysomething you know.It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex.It's what I now have the privilegeof saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day:Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood,get some identity capital, use your weak ties,pick your family.Don't be defined by what you didn't knowor didn't do.You're deciding your life right now.Thank you.(Applause)